Are You Truly Listening? How to Be a Better Listener and Build a Deeper Connection

Lindsay sat at the dinner table, her voice trembling as she shared how overwhelmed she felt managing work, the kids, and the household. She wasn’t looking for a solution—she just wanted to feel heard. But before she could finish, Mark interjected, telling her that he was doing his best and that if she had so much on her to-do list, she just needed to ask for help. He pulled out his phone to start texting his mother to take the kids on Thursday after school so Lindsay could catch her breath. But frustration bubbled inside her.

"You’re not listening to me!" she snapped.

Mark, caught off guard, threw up his hands. "I was just trying to help! Why are you mad at me for finding solutions?"

And just like that, they slipped into their negative cycle—Lindsay feeling alone and unheard, Mark feeling like he could never get it right. The gap between them widened.

There are few things more painful in a relationship than feeling unheard. The loneliness that creeps in when your partner doesn’t truly listen can create a quiet distance between you. You may begin to wonder, Do they even care? Am I asking too much? Why do I feel so alone even when we’re together?

The truth is, many of us don’t listen to understand—we listen to reply. We focus on preparing our responses instead of tuning into what our partner is really saying. The result? Conversations that feel transactional instead of deeply connected.

Active listening is an essential skill in any relationship, especially when it comes to building intimacy and closeness. Let’s explore five simple, yet powerful, steps to help you improve your ability to listen to your partner. These aren't grand gestures, but instead small ways of showing up that are going to help you both feel more connected.

1. Stop Preparing What You’re Going to Say Next

When your partner is speaking, do you find yourself already forming your response? This habit gets in the way of truly hearing them. Instead of thinking about what you want to say, take a deep breath and pause. Focus only on what they are saying. Pay attention to the emotion they are experiencing, their tone and their non-verbals. Let what they’re saying sink in.

Try this: If you notice your mind drifting to your own response, gently bring your focus back to your partner’s words. Remind yourself, Right now, my only job is to listen.

2. Listen to Understand—Build More Curiosity

Approach conversations with the mindset of curiosity rather than judgment. Your goal is not to prove a point but to truly understand your partner’s experience. When your partner is sharing, avoid immediately correcting them or defending yourself. Instead, ask yourself, What might they be feeling right now? What is important to them in this moment?

Try this: Instead of reacting with defensiveness, respond with curiosity: Tell me more about that. What was that like for you?

If you notice yourself getting stuck in your own mind, consider looking at the stories you're telling yourself and challenge them. Knowing this is such a common struggle for people, I created a FREE GUIDE to help you do this.

3. Ask Questions

Asking thoughtful questions signals to your partner that you are engaged and invested in what they are sharing. It also helps clarify their thoughts and ensures you fully grasp what they are sharing with you.

Try this: Instead of assuming you understand, consider the following questions: 

When you say you feel overwhelmed, what does that look like for you?

Can you help me understand what you need from me right now?

What other thoughts and feelings do you have about this situation?

What makes it better? What makes it worse?

When was the time that you felt this and got through it?

4. Reflect Back What You Heard

One of the most powerful ways to make your partner feel heard is to reflect back what you think they are saying. This doesn’t mean parroting their words—it means summarizing their emotions and experiences in a way that lets them know you truly get it.

Here are some things you can try:

It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated because you don’t feel like I support you enough with the kids. Is that right? 

I hear you. You’re struggling with this.

I see that you’re upset. You expected something different.

Remember that reflecting and validating doesn’t mean that they are right and you are wrong.

5. Ask If They Want Empathy or Solutions

Not every conversation requires a fix. Sometimes, your partner just needs to feel heard and supported. My favorite go-to question is this: 

Do you want me to problem-solve, or do you just need me to listen? 

This small but powerful question can prevent so much frustration and help your partner feel truly valued.

When you practice these five steps, you’re not just improving your listening skills—you’re strengthening your relationship. At our core, we all need to feel heard, seen, and understood. 

So the next time your partner speaks, pause. Take a breath. And listen—not to reply, but to connect.

If you find yourself stuck in frustrating conversations where you or your partner don’t feel truly heard, Be Connected can help. Inside my relationship support program, you'll find expert-led guidance on improving communication, breaking negative cycles, and deepening emotional connection. With step-by-step strategies, communication scripts, and monthly coaching calls, you'll learn how to listen in a way that makes your partner feel valued—and be heard yourself. If you’re tired of the same arguments and want real change, Be Connected gives you the tools to create a relationship where both of you feel understood. Get started HERE.

I'm cheering you on!