From Scripts to Connection: Focus on These In Your Relationship to Feel More Connected

Over the last six years, I have noticed the rapidly growing demand for scripts. Scripts enable us to know how to phrase something. They highlight more sensitive and empathic ways to express ourselves. They demonstrate boundaries that respect both the speaker and the listener. We've been leaning into communicating in a whole new way! My Instagram DMs are filled with, "How do I tell my partner that..." and I get requests from my clients frequently asking, "So how should I word this?"

In response to this demand, I have given scripts! If you've been here for awhile, you know I love a good script (my favorite free resource for you is my 10 Scripts When Your Partner is Defensive). I like helping my clients (and you!) find language that can combat defensiveness, set healthy boundaries, and foster connection.

But there are two common challenges that show up when it comes to relying on scripts.

One, you often tell me it doesn't feel like you, leading it to be more of a barrier than support.

“I could never say that to my partner. They would feel ________.” or “I don’t talk like that, so I would sound so weird.”

And two, you overly focus on a script as a means to build your connection. 

These two challenges tell me there is a key piece that many people miss when it comes to using scripts to improve their communication:

You believe scripts to be a prescriptive solution, not a tool that can be adjusted and personalized for your own relationship. You've lost the core essence of your partnership, which is that it's relational and you each influence each other.

When it comes to challenges in our relationship, we want a solution that can solve all of our arguments, reestablish feelings of attraction and excitement, and help us function as high-performing partners in home management, parenthood, and the host of other responsibilities couples take on together. 

Does such a solution exist?

I have a different question for you:

What would it be like to learn to be authentically you, co-creating your relationship with your partner in such a way that is filled with giving the most positive interpretation and compassionate response?

(If you haven't listened yet, one of my favorite episodes on co-creation and building connection is this episode with Dr. Tanya Cotler. Listen here on iTunes or anywhere you tune into your podcasts).

So instead of relying on scripts to solely guide you (they're good too! Just not on their own!), here are three things to keep in mind that will help you build a deeply relational and emotionally intimate connection.

We are supposed to make mistakes. Ruptures give opportunities for repairs

Mistakes and shortcomings are opportunities to learn, recommit, and grow toward a deeper connection as a couple. When we choose to reframe struggles as opportunities to repair rather than proof of incompatibility, we develop a new appreciation for the difficult moments (or even entire seasons). 

That dedication to continue forward even when things aren’t easy heightens our sense of belonging and security, leading to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Imperfect and authentic over perfect and inauthentic

In Japan, Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. This tradition builds on the notion that by embracing flaws and imperfection, you create a more beautiful, stronger work of art.

One of the key myths that we must overcome is that "healthy couples don't fight" or "happy couples never struggle." It is in the disagreements and the struggle that we get to grow and stretch.

The imperfections build authenticity. Vulnerability creates trust. These are powerful reminders of our commitment and love, even when it is hard and difficult. (Note: There is a difference between imperfect and repeated behaviors of abuse and harm). 

The TOGETHERNESS as a side effect of growing

 When we're working towards a common goal, we feel a sense of connection. We feel seen and understood. Interestingly, research supports that there is an association between experiences of personal growth and the passion individuals feel in their relationships. These studies also add to evidence that growth experiences shared by a couple can strengthen a relationship. (See article here)

When we put forth the effort to heal and move forward intentionally in life, we’ve removed the autopilot that isolates us into loneliness, and instead enjoy the fruits of hard work and dedication – to ourselves, and to each other. 

What does this mean in action? It means that when you make a mistake, you trust that your partner's got you. It means that if you're partner is struggling with something, you are there to walk beside them. You prioritize the "we" before anyone else.

Remember this: Relationships are complex and they exist in a context. The context matters - it means that you are two individuals that will constantly be changing and at the same time it requires you to choose every day to grow your tree branches together.

Keep growing together with my relationship program, Be Connected. Not only are there scripts (because I know you like them!), I walk you through all of the skills and tools I teach the couples in my therapy room so that you can feel more connected and like a team again. Learn more here.

Warmly,

Dr. Tracy