Healing the Parentified Child

In many families, it is not uncommon for children to take on roles and responsibilities beyond their years. One such role is that of the parentified child, where a young individual assumes caretaking duties for their siblings or even their own parents. The individual ends up carrying household duties, caring for others, or even learning to manage others’ emotions, all of which are not a child’s job. Many children who were parentified grew up hearing expressions like, “You act older than you are. I can always count on you.” While it may seem like a display of maturity and resilience, the parentified child often carries a heavy burden that can impact their psychological well-being. Being able to shed light on this dynamic and explore the healing process is important to go on to be a healthy, differentiated individual.

Understanding the Parentified Child

The parentified child emerges in families where there may be absent or overwhelmed parents, emotionally immature parents, or mental health and chronic health issues. Due to these circumstances, you, as a child, step into the role of a caregiver, taking on tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or even providing emotional support for their family members. While your efforts are commendable, you learned early on to sacrifice your own needs, desires, and childhood experiences.

Parentification can have profound psychological and emotional consequences on a child. They may experience feelings of pressure, stress, and emotional exhaustion beyond their developmental capacity. These children often miss out on essential aspects of their childhood, such as play, exploration, and forming their own identities. Consequently, as an adult, you may struggle with a range of issues, including low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and difficulties in establishing healthy autonomously connected relationships.

Healing the Parentified Child:

Healing the wounds of parentification requires a multi-faceted approach that addresses both the emotional and practical aspects of their experience. Here are some steps you can explore in the healing journey:

Bring Awareness to Your Experience:

Practice acknowledging and validating the feelings that you have - both about things that are happening today and also what happened in the past. Remember, we often use past experiences to map onto how we understand ourselves and our relationships today. In your experiences today, practice making space for your feelings and bringing empathy and compassion to you - the same that you would bring to your dearest friend. It is crucial for the parentified child to recognize and process their feelings surrounding their role and the impact it has had on their lives. You should practice expressing your emotions without judgment and to understand that your experiences are valid.

Connect with Your Inner Child:

Find ways to explore play and flow in ways that you may never have been. In therapy, I invite clients to purchase a small tub of play-doh or watercolor paint and practice allowing themselves to just create without any end goal. Perhaps it’s body movement, or freedom to choose what is wanted and desired. This process allows you to reconnect with your inner child and experience the joy and wonder that should have been a part of your formative years.

Explore and Set Healthy Boundaries:

Parentified children often struggle with setting boundaries as they have become accustomed to taking care of others at the expense of their own needs. While many people struggle to set boundaries, you grew up in an environment where you and others were not able to respect your own. You self-sacrificed and it likely felt easier to give to others than to assert what you wanted or didn’t want. It’s important for you to learn saying “no,” and to prioritize your needs without guilt. I dive into these dynamics more in this podcast episode.

Develop Adaptive Coping Mechanisms:

We all at times tap into strategies that are not going to help us feel great. The late night phone scrolling, too many bites of food, or drinking one too many alcoholic drinks. Reminding yourself that only you can care for self now that you are an adult is key, and reminding yourself that you are worthy of care. Learning healthy strategies to cope with stress and anxiety are key. Some go-to healthy coping strategies can include grounding exercises, splashing cold water on your face, mindfulness, and regularly seeking support from trusted others. 

Seek Therapeutic Support:

Psychotherapy can play a vital role in the healing journey of a parentified child. Therapists can provide a safe space for you to explore your experiences, process emotions, and develop resilience. 

Healing the parentified child is a complex and sensitive process that requires understanding, compassion, and patience. By acknowledging your early childhood experiences, accessing parts of you that were quieted in childhood and reclaim play and fun, setting boundaries, and seeking therapeutic support, you can begin to heal and rediscover the joys of your own life.

EXCITING NEWS:

My book, I Didn't Sign Up for This: A Couples Therapist Shares Real-Life Stories of Healing Wounds and Finding Joy in Relationships... Including Her Own is available for preorder! Inviting you into my therapy room, one story I share is my work with Ashley, a mother to two young children, re-enacting old patterns in her marriage. Our work together addresses her early experiences of being a parentified child - while she also navigates hiding something from her husband. As a thank you for preordering, I'll be sending you exclusive book bonuses to help you continue to grow in your relationship!