How Emotional Dumping Fuels Co-Dependency

When we experience a difficult event, one of the first things we might do is vent to another person. With the ease of reaching others and their immediate response by our devices, it’s become an even more common experience in relationships.

Have you ever sent the text, “You will not believe what just happened to me!” or perhaps you have been on the receiving end. Or maybe your partner arrives home from work or a social outing and starts unloading their "stuff" on you, going in and out of all their stressors or challenges they faced without any consideration for you. Maybe you’ve done what I call “text bombing,” where you furiously send an anger-filled text to your partner when something has happened.

The question, however, is whether this type of processing is helpful. For many, they get stuck in emotional dumping.

Emotional dumping refers to the act of unloading one's emotional burden onto another person without consideration for their capacity to handle it. It often manifests as a one-sided conversation dominated by the individual seeking emotional support, while the other person becomes a receptacle for their emotions. While seeking support and sharing emotions is an essential aspect of healthy relationships, emotional dumping can create an imbalanced dynamic. In the long run, emotional dumping doesn’t allow someone to appropriately process their emotions. Instead, it prevents people from fully processing their emotional experience, which is something that allows us to explore our needs and possible behavior change.

 This is not to say that seeking emotional support from our partner is not something we want to do in our relationships, when it manifests so drastically as one sided, it can create an unhealthy, unbalanced dynamic between you are your partner. In fact, it can actually lead to a sense of co-dependency.

What is  Co-dependency? 

Co-dependency occurs when one partner has an unhealthy, excessive reliance on their partner for emotional support, validation, and self-worth. Partners struggling with this may prioritize the needs of others over their own, and may develop a sense of their identity based on their ability to please others. This validation and acknowledgment from others feeds into one's self-worth, rather than finding our worth within ourselves. 

Can emotional dumping fuel codependency?

Let's take a look at how this type of processing, emotional dumping, can fuel or maintain codependent behaviors. 

Seeking External Validation: Emotional dumping is often rooted in a deep sense of need for validation and approval from others. Codependent partners may engage in emotional dumping as a a way to gain reassurance and validation from their partner. This prevents the individual work of having to look inward and trust one self that they are worthy and good enough, thus remaining fused to the significant other.

A Lack of Boundaries: Those who are co-dependant often struggle to set and hold healthy boundaries. Instead, one might have more porous boundaries: they depend on others' opinions, they change their minds depending on what others need and want, and they take on the thoughts and feelings of others. Emotional dumping might be exacerbated by blurred boundaries where one partner lacks the ability to discern the appropriate amount of sharing and ends up overwhelming the other partner.

Self Abandonment: Many people learn in their early relationship experiences that their "no" is not respected or that their emotions are "too much" for others. As a result, they learn that in order to maintain connection with their caregivers (an adaptive need as a child), they put away their own feelings and needs. As an adult, they might abandon or neglect their own needs and hyper focus on the needs of the other. Emotional dumping might be a subconscious attempt to seek attention and care as they struggle to meet their own emotional needs.

Enabling Behavior: Looking at patterns in communication, when we agree to something, either by not communicating "no" or by passively allowing the behavior, we are positively reinforcing the actions of another person. By being the custodian of the emotional load, the other partner reinforces this behavior making it harder to break out of this cycle.

How Can You Break This Cycle?

Cultivate Self-Reflection and Self-Awareness: You've likely heard many therapists talk about the act of pausing and simply noticing and getting curious before acting or responding. This is a powerful strategy to help you increase your ability to be self-reflective and have insight into your patterns. If you've struggled with dumping and venting, practice writing a note to yourself in your phone and then going for a walk or doing some other strategy aimed at calming your nervous system (I talk about the core movement, music, temperature, and progressive muscular relaxation as key strategies). If you're on the receiving end, write a note in your phone if there are specific situations you face where one is excessively seeking validation or heavily relying on you for support.

 Build Healthy Boundaries: If you have followed me for some time, you know how often I am talking about setting loving boundaries. Holding healthy boundaries means valuing your own thoughts and feelings, remaining firm on your choices, and recognizing what you want and need and communicates this in a way that respects both the self and other people. Focus on recognizing and respecting your own healthy limits while allowing others to do the same.

Take Care of You: This isn't just about self-care. Instead, it's about learning to treat yourself the way that you would a dear friend. Do you show up with compassion in times of struggle? If not, practice bringing self-compassion to your day. Do you identify your needs and act on them? If you tend to be the last on your to-do list, put yourself higher up on the list tonight. Prioritize activities (not just self-care) that bring you meaning and connectivity. Sometimes that connection means reaching out to others who offer you a balance instead of those who may be one-sided or prone to emotional dumping.

When in Doubt, Seek Professional Help: If you feel you may be at a crossroads, a spot where you are unable to break free from emotional dumping to tricky codependent patterns, therapy can be highly beneficial. A therapist can provide you the guidance to navigate these challenging patterns and develop a toolbox for how to handle when they show up again.

By recognizing the relationship between emotional dumping and codependency we can start to adapt and address these patterns and cultivate happier, more balanced relationships. 

Ready To Change?

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