Feeling Stuck: Who's on Defense?

Defensiveness, a common negative communication pattern, is an attempt to protect ourselves from a perceived attack. Highlighted as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse as it will tear apart your relationship in the long run, this pattern of communication can take over any change at problem solving or connecting. Notice that I said perceived, as sometimes we really aren’t actually under attack.

I recently gave feedback to my husband and his response was a classic defensive one. It went like this.

"Hey love. Can you not put red onions in my omelettes?" Thinking I couldn't bear another meal with red onion, my stomach hurting from them.

To which my husband responded quickly with, "Well, I guess I just can't get anything right."

BAM. Defensiveness. I was left confused over onions, questioning if asking for my needs was a mistake (note, it's not. I don't want a lifetime of resenting my husband over red onions!).

This type of communication pattern is quick - ready to take over at any possible attack. 

When I talk about communication patterns, often partners are surprised to hear that they may be quite defensive. Many don’t realize they are defensive. The challenge with defensiveness is that it stops us from resolving conflict and it also pushes our partner away, leaving it even harder to communicate and connect.

There are ways that you can learn to respond to your partner and move past a defensive reply. While it can be tricky, it is possible.

Here are two things you can do:

Take Responsibility

This is a hard one for many, as partners will want to get into a space of finding what or who is right or wrong. What is key here is not about what is right or wrong – it is about seeing how your partner is feeling and how your actions IMPACTED them. It doesn’t mean you were wrong – it means that, like any relationship, you affect each other. Avoid defending your position or OVER EXPLAINING YOURSELF. Instead, focus on what your partner is trying to communicate to you. Be curious and try to understand what your partner is saying.

In the red onion example, my husband could have said, "I have been using a lot of red onion lately and I can see that it might not feel good for you. Thank you for letting me know."

Side note, if you get stuck or feel overwhelmed, you can ask for a break in the discussion and let them know you will come back to it. Or, try asking questions of who/what/when/where/how to understand the issue more.

Apologize for a Part that is Upsetting Your Partner

It is incredibly healing to have someone apologize for some part of what has happened. With my partner and the onions? It wasn’t WRONG of him to put red onions in my omelettes, but he could respond by seeing how these onions impacted me. "Wow, I bet they aren't feeling great. Next time, I'll do something different."

BUT HERE’S THE THING… are you ready?

Lean in a little…

Your partner's requests are not about you and your worthiness. You can choose to value your relationship over your ego - and choose connection. This is what it means to build a healthy interdependent relationship, one that makes space for both people.

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If you arrived at the end of this post and thought, “this is my partner!” I have something else for you. Click HERE to check out my podcast episode on how you can respond to defensiveness.