What's Behind Defensiveness?

Defensiveness, one of the four negative horsemen of the apocalypse as described by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is a common issue in relationships, and it can often lead to increased misunderstandings and conflicts. When someone is defensive, they are responding quickly and often automatically to protect the self from a perceived attack.

Essentially, it’s like putting up a shield to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or criticized. While it may seem like a natural response to protect oneself, defensiveness can create a cycle of negative communication and hurt feelings, and as research shows, can also be part of the breakdown of a relationship.  

The key to know about defensiveness is that it is hard to break and it has a negative impact on the other person. It pushes the other person away or ups the ante and both partners only end up in a cycle of blame and defensiveness. For the other person, it can leave them feeling victimized, alone, or not understood. 

Some common examples of defensiveness? 

I didn’t mean to.

I was just trying my best.

Can’t you see everything I’m already doing?

Well, if you weren’t so angry, then I would actually listen to you. 

What leads people to be so defensive in a relationship? 

Here are some common factors.

Fear of criticism: One of the main reasons people become defensive is because they are afraid of being criticized or judged. Likely, they experienced criticism and judgment as a child or in a previous relationship. When someone feels like they are being attacked or blamed, they may instinctively become defensive as a way to protect themselves. Additionally, if in the past they tried expressing something and it came back at them, they’ve learned to build a wall of self-protection.

Emotional neglect: If someone grew up without the emotional warmth and security that we all biologically need, they may be prone to defensiveness. As a defence mechanism, they likely were never heard as a child for their feelings or needs.

Lack of trust: Another reason people become defensive is because they lack trust in their partner. This might come from previously being hurt emotionally (i.e., constant criticism), or from a significant event that is also known as an attachment injury. If someone has been hurt in the past, they may be more likely to put up walls and become defensive as a way to protect themselves from being hurt again. 

Feelings of Shame: Shame leads individuals to protect themselves, and often stems from continuous messaging through relationships or society that they are not enough, flawed, or inadequate. Shame leads people to hide, tapping into defensiveness to protect the vulnerable self.

Personalization: Part of the normal development of children is to learn to externalize, rather than to internalize. If someone didn’t have this modeled to them, or their parents personalized their behavior as kids (e.g., “why can’t you just be happy? It makes daddy sad.”), they may be more likely to get defensive anytime someone is giving them feedback.

Misunderstandings: Sometimes, defensiveness can stem from a simple misunderstanding through our own perceptions and assumptions. If someone misinterprets their partner's words or actions as critical or judgmental, they may become defensive as a result.

Regardless of the specific reason, defensiveness can be damaging to a relationship. When someone becomes defensive, they may shut down or become hostile, which can create a barrier to effective communication and problem-solving.

If defensiveness is one of your go-to modes, start using these two strategies to shift out of defensiveness and into connecting with your partner. 

If you find yourself becoming defensive in your relationship, it's important to take a step back and examine the underlying reasons for your behavior. Ask yourself who you saw get defensive in your earlier experiences and how you learned to feel defensive. You also want to ensure that you are cultivating ways of building trust and security with your partner. Practice being open and listening actively to the other person, and making intentional time to connect. 

Ultimately, defensiveness is a common issue in relationships, but it doesn't have to be a barrier to communication and intimacy. By taking a proactive approach to understanding and managing your defensive tendencies, you can build a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with your partner.

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