When I’m coaching couples, I always ask, “How do you make space to talk about how things are going?”

Most couples admit to me that they don’t. The days are busy. The weeks pass by. The time to connect gets lost in the shuffle of everyday life. They reach the end of the year feeling further apart. As a clinician, my referral numbers increase immediately after the holidays–a time when people realize “we aren’t where we want to be.”

I get it. As a couples therapist, I recognize the challenge in my own relationship of carving out time together, bringing up things that maybe don’t feel so good, and making plans to meet each other’s needs. But without checking in with each other, we run the risk of becoming roommates, resentful and disconnected.

The intentional relationship check-in can be powerful as it reiterates that your relationship is important to you. Choosing to talk about hard things is an indication that you want to continue to grow–together. So let’s talk about three things you can cover during your conversation to close out the year as a connected couple. 

1. Something that’s going well

Start with the positives. Celebrate what you did well as a couple and reflect on the moments that helped you grow closer. Maybe you made an effort to spend more time together, communicated more openly, or navigated a challenging situation with grace.

For example, Greg and I noticed that we’ve been leaning into flexibility for “sneaky” dates. Maybe it’s a quick tennis match at lunch, or a morning coffee together on the front step. I love how much these moments have brought us together this year.

Here’s a simple way to start this part of the conversation:

“What’s something we are doing well right now that is helping us feel more connected?”

2. Something to improve

All relationships have negative patterns that need attention. Whether it’s recurring disagreements, feeling disconnected, or falling into habits that don’t serve your bond, now is the time to address them. 

The goal here is not to criticize each other, but to reflect on patterns together and think about how to shift them for a healthier dynamic moving forward.

For example, Greg and I recently realized that we’ve been using work (we work together!) to avoid some of the other more tough conversations. We’ve decided to be more intentional about re-implementing weekly check-ins, rather than waiting for tension to escalate.

To start this conversation, you could ask:

“What’s one negative pattern we noticed this year, and how can we work together to change it?”

3. Setting goals

Finally, it’s time to look ahead. Couples who set goals together and dare to dream about their future are more likely to have happy relationships.

What are some meaningful goals you can set as a couple for the coming year? These can be small or big, fun or serious—it’s about aligning your values and strengthening your bond.

Some examples might be:

• Scheduling regular date nights or weekend getaways to prioritize quality time.
• Working on better communication—maybe reading a relationship book together or attending a couples’ workshop.
• Tackling a shared project, like redecorating a room in your home or starting a new hobby together.
• Prioritizing each other’s personal growth, such as supporting each other’s goals in health, career, or self-care.

Here’s a simple way to start the goal-setting conversation:

“What are some goals we can set as a couple for next year that will help us stay connected and grow together?”

When we build a practice of checking in with each other, at the end of the year or even weekly, we become more comfortable talking about our relationship, our needs, and desires. This is all connected to feeling happy, connected, and intimate. Remember: The key to these conversations is approaching them with love and curiosity, focusing on growth rather than criticism.

If you’re looking to dive deeper, download my Year In Review guide. Completely free and printable to fill out alone or with your partner!

Is your partner not on board?

For some, this style of check-in may still be a challenge - maybe your partner is uncomfortable with structured communication or past negative experiences create a protective wall. 

Inside my relationship repair program, Be Connected, I give you the support and guidance you need to break through these barriers and get back to having the meaningful conversations you need to get your relationship back on track. 

I will teach you how to have these hard conversations without getting stuck in your negative cycle. I walk you though step-by-step how to give feedback and go back to these challenging conversations.