My husband came to me asking several questions one day, including:

"What do you want for dinner?"

"When do you want to leave for soccer?"

"Where do you want me to store the blender?"

"What meals do you want this week?"

"Where do you want to go for date night?"

In the journey of partnership and parenting, amidst the endless to-do lists and the weight of daily responsibilities, many partners miss a hidden challenge that many couples face: decision fatigue.

While my husband's well-intentioned questions shows his curious about my desires, he failed to understand that he was adding to my ongoing mental exhaustion.

Decision fatigue isn't about being tired - it's about being overwhelmed by the constant barrage of decisions that need to be made - from who does the grocery shopping to how to discipline the kids, from what to make for dinner to managing finances. When decision fatigue sets in, it doesn't just wear down your ability to make good choices; it can also erode the connection and intimacy between you and your partner.

As a couples therapist, I've seen firsthand how decision fatigue can cast a shadow over relationships, leaving partners feeling disconnected, frustrated, and misunderstood. This experience also leads to the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic that many couples get stuck in: One partner is the CEO and makes all of the decisions, while the other partner struggles to take the lead and relies on the other to problem solve. This common cycle leads couples to feel angry, frustrated, and resentful, ultimately creating a divide in their partnership.

But this is not an insurmountable problem. Together, you can tackle decision fatigue by adopting strategies that foster understanding, share the mental load, and ultimately, strengthen your bond. Here are four tips to help you and your partner navigate decision fatigue and reclaim your connection. 

1. Recognize and Validate the Mental Load

Acknowledgment of one's experience is incredibly important. The first step in addressing decision fatigue is recognizing and validating the mental load each partner carries. This load isn't always about the physical tasks; it's also about the mental and emotional energy expended in planning, organizing, and decision-making.

Sit down with your partner and have an open conversation about the mental load you carry. Understanding the invisible tasks and pressures can lead to a deeper appreciation for each other's contributions and struggles.

2. Build a System - Together

To alleviate the burden of decision-making, create a system that allows for ownership and responsibility. You might try alternating who initiates/plans date night (and mark it in the calendar!), or you might sit down together and meal plan. What's important in finding a system is that you both check in on each other and you each take accountability for the tasks you decide to take on. 

Looking for a system that has been shown to work? Consider reading Fair Play by Eve Rodsky or getting the card deck so you and your partner can start dividing tasks, while implementing the CPE System. This system says that for each task, there is conceptualization, planning, and execution. If you've taken on the "kids' sports" task, you should know what time you need to leave at (which is part of planning of the task).

The key is to ensure that both partners feel involved and the distribution feels fair. This shared system reduces the demand on one partner to have "all the answers." 

3. Schedule Regular Check-in's

Consistent communication is vital and it is my top recommended strategy that all couples should be putting in place in their relationship. Check-ins shouldn't be venting or emotional dumping sessions. Instead, you are seeing how the team is working and what needs to be tweaked.

Schedule weekly check-ins to discuss upcoming decisions, reflect on past ones, and adjust responsibilities as needed. These meetings are not just about logistics; they're also an opportunity to connect emotionally, share feelings, and address any concerns. Regular check-ins help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners feel supported and heard.

4. Embrace 'Good Enough' Decisions

Perfectionism, high standards, and having a "right way only" can exacerbate decision fatigue. As a fellow control-appreciator, I know this can be challenging when everything feels urgent. But the very reality is that you can't do it all at the same time. 

Embrace the concept of 'good enough' for everyday choices. Not every decision has to be optimal. By accepting that some choices can be good enough, you free up mental space and reduce the pressure that contributes to decision fatigue. This approach fosters a more relaxed and forgiving atmosphere in your relationship, where perfectionism is not the goal - connection is.

5. Consider Your Responses

If you are feeling decision fatigue, let your partner know when this shows up for you. You might also want to consider your responses to their questions, ensuring that you are stepping out of the overfunctioning role. Here are my go-to’s:

     “You’ve got this.”

     “I trust your decision.”

     “I will be okay with what you choose"

     “I think you are a competent person that could navigate this.”

Moving Forward Together

Decision fatigue can deeply impact the connection you have in your relationship, but it's one that you and your partner can overcome together. Remember, at the heart of these strategies is a deeper goal: to strengthen your connection, support one another, and nurture the love that binds you together.

Inside my relationship repair program, Be Connected, I give you the scripts to help your partner step out of asking you questions, and putting you in the CEO role, and I have the support for the partner who asks the questions.

I will teach you how to have these hard conversations without getting stuck in your negative cycle. I walk you though step-by-step how to give feedback and go back to these challenging conversations.