FIND THE BAD GUY
This pattern looks like both partners protesting and becoming loud to be connected, heard, and understood. They up the ante to be acknowledged. Both partner’s demand, complain, and criticize each other. What ends up happening is they end up feeling unheard and struggle to resolve their difficulties.
The goal of this position is to get the attention of the other person, and, essentially, deflect responsibility from themselves and to put it back onto the other person.
THE PROTEST POLKA
This is one of the most common patterns that couples get stuck in. One partner pursues the other out of an attempt to connect with them. They feel insecure and anxious at the space between them, so to cope they approach, demand, blame, or get critical. The other partner feels this intensity and attempts to create greater separation and space, either by being defensive, withdrawing, or stonewalling. For some, this may look like “I blame because you withdraw” and “I withdraw because you blame.”
The goal of this position is an attempt to create connection and safety. The pursuing partner feels insecure and anxious at the difference or space between them. The bigger that gap, the pursuer becomes more persistent, which may show up as poking, nudging, attacking, controlling or criticizing when the pursuer feels uncertain. For the partner that gets defensive and/or withdraws, they attempt to create distance as a way to create safety.
FREEZE & FLEE
This pattern is often more subtle, and partners tend to describe their relationship as not having any big disagreements. In this cycle, both partners withdraw from each other. The challenge is that it is like sweeping the difficulties under a rug, and the rug becomes too bumpy to walk on. Partners often keep feelings to themselves and keep themselves busy. These couples report not feeling connected. They feel helpless knowing how to restore this connection.
The goal of this pattern is to not make any waves, to stay safe, and to avoid conflict. Partners tend to keep their feelings to themselves and keep busy. They may also spend more time apart. Partners often report feeling frustrated at not knowing their partner or what is going on for them.
Uncertain which cycle you get stuck in?
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*Please note, this is not a diagnostic assessment but instead is used for educational purposes
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