Young international couple in quarrel spending time on kitchen at home

Why doesn’t my partner return to hard conversations? It’s not what you think.

Last week, I shared a post on IG  that got some attention – because it’s a common experience for many!

(Side note, I hope you will learn over time – the stuff that shows up in your relationship? You are not alone in it! People just don’t like to talk about this stuff.).

The strategy last week was “instead of walking away, tell your partner that you need to take 20 minutes and you will return to the conversation.”

And one woman asked, “but what happens if my partner doesn’t return?

Pause here for a minute to answer these questions.

  • How does it feel when they don’t return to the conversation?
  • What does it mean about YOU and your relationship if they don’t return?

For many, its painful when our partner’s don’t return to the conversation – and the beliefs often sound like this:

  • I must not be important to them
  • I must not be important ENOUGH to them
  • They don’t value me as much as I value them
  • They don’t care about the relationship

These beliefs are so hard. This is a painful place that sometimes we end up in. And this can lead us to feel more despair in our relationship, or to make more unhelpful bids for attention (like, criticism or contempt).

Let’s consider some alternatives.

What other possibilities could our partners be experiencing?

I want to leave you with one of my favourite coping tools.

In those really hard moments when your mind takes you down the “I’m not important” road, find a mantra that will help you. It could sound like:

“I am important to my partner”
“I am good enough”
“I am learning to let go of the fear that I’m not lovable”

Now it’s your turn.  Let me know in the comments below what mantra you connect most with.  Or share one you have already have!

Warmly,

PS. Know someone who might benefit from this? Share this link with them!

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